Specks, planks and machine guns.

This morning I read this:

"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?... You hyprocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye."  (Jesus Christ)

Then I read a devastating story about a nine year old girl, taken for firearm lessons by her parents, who inadvertently lost control of the sub machine gun she was learning how to use and killed her instructor. Tragic.  For the little girl, her parents and the family of the instructor.  It sickens me to the pit of my stomach to think about how this one incident has completely wrecked the life of this little girl.

And the uproar on social media, the modern-day judge and jury rolled into one, has spread like wildfire.

Are any of us perfect parents?

Have we all made mistakes?

Can any of us claim to have made the right decisions for our children all the time?

Certainly not me, and I doubt you can too.

Let's focus on the planks in our own eyes and let these parents deal with the utter devastation of their own lives without adding our own online slaughtering of a choice they are, without any doubt, regretting and mourning.

It's not our place to play judge or jury.  Our own eyes are too full of wood to be able to see clearly.

Just Say NO!

Anyone else out there old enough to remember the old Grange Hill anti-drugs song? It has sprung to my mind recently, but for totally different reasons.

At the risk of sounding like a Grandma way before my time, I have begun to watch a new generation of parents emerge. Parents who do not seem to have the confidence, skills or determination to give their children boundaries and (dare I use the word?) discipline.

I watch toddlers running rings around their mothers, who sit and blandly smile at their precious angels. I hear mothers discussing their babies who apparently don't 'like' bedtimes (and I am not passing judgement on this - I had 3 non-sleepers, but there is a difference...). I see school aged children only eating a limited diet of breadsticks and chocolate ice cream. I hear mothers desparing. I also see laughing mothers watching their children, totally oblivious to the fact that their angel needs some boundaries setting. I hear about fathers who just do the playing and fun stuff with their children, instead of taking the responsibility.

I wonder how this all happened. How did we reach this point where parents are unable to discipline their children? Why is the 'no' word such a bad word these days? I am all for allowing children to explore, experiment and make their own choices but surely a parent's role is to guide and set limits on that exploration. How can children feel safe unless they are given boundaries? How can they really learn about the big, wide world of disappointment and failure if their parents, who love them unconditionally, are not the first people to say 'no' to them?

It is a dangerous place to be. What will happen to the babies and toddlers of this generation's parenting? How will they learn that the world does not revolve around them? How will they learn to share, to show kindness, to be respectful towards others or even to go to sleep on their own if they are not taught? Parents need to be the ones who say 'no'. We need to take the responsibility. We must step up to the challenge - and it will be a challenge - of disciplining our children. It is one of the best ways we can love our children. We must love them by saying 'no'. If we don't, the consequences for the next generation could be disastrous.

And the Parenting Winners are....

.....The parents whose children become child prodigies? The parents who manage to potty train their 1 year old? The Mother whose baby sleeps through the night at a week old? The parents of children who take their GCSE's at the age of ten? The Father who yells so loudly on the sidelines of the football pitch that his son has no option but to play to his best? The family who buy the most expensive presents for each other? The parents whose children have every screen possible and more? The Mother whose toddler eats every type of food put in front of them?

How ridiculous does this sound? And yet we all do it. We all, at some point in our parenting life, compare ourselves to other parents and join the Parenting Competition. I have some news for you....

THERE IS NO COMPETITION.

It does not matter if your baby eats homemade butternut squash pureed into ice cubes or if she eats food from a jar bought in the supermarket. It does not matter if you breastfeed or bottlefeed (yes, I know this may offend some, but I was often offended by people remarking on my choice of feeding and adding to the guilt a new mother already feels). It does not matter if your baby walks at 10 months or 18 months and it certainly doesn't matter if you manage to miraculously potty train your son at 18 months or 3 1/2 years old. It doesn't matter if someone elses 8 year old can ride and bike and yours can't. It doesn't matter if your 4 year old son can't hold a pen properly, but your friend's 5 year old daughter spends all day colouring neatly in the lines. It doesn't matter if your child's classmate has piano lessons, swimming lessons, karate lessons, football club and drama club and your child just enjoys being at home. It doesn't matter if you cannot afford the all singing, all dancing birthday party for your child.

Today, during my blissful child-free trip to the library, I overheard two mothers of pre-school children talking. I was horrified to hear one of them make this careless remark: "I'm not being funny, but my children are alot more academic than yours". This is the culture of competition in which we bring up our children.

However, the reality is that there is no competition because all of our children are different. They are unique. Why do we beat ourselves up, reading silly books with ridiculous 'milestones' that tell us what our children should be doing, when our children have not read the book? They are their own unique person, created in love and made to be the perfect child they were meant to be. Don't hear what I am NOT saying. I love competition and know that it motivates children - especially boys - to work harder and push themselves further. The competition between parents though, is totally wrong and gives the impression that we are never pleased with our children's achievements because Billy in their class is always one step ahead.

Come on, let's give ourselves a break and stop comparing our children and our parenting. Let's climb off the unsteady ladder of 'parental achievement' and celebrate our children for who they were made to be. Let's be free to bring up our children in the way that is best for them and for our own families. Let's enjoy our children and give up the Parenting Competition that so damages family life. Anyone else want to join me?

Who's In Charge?

Forgive me for being controversial (is this becoming a habit?) but I have noticed a new trend which I am altogether not sure about. Unlike the latest Blackberry or newest colour of Birkenstocks, this trend, as far I can see, can have extremely damaging and lifelong consequences.

I am aware that this blog post will cause ripples, and for that I am prepared.

Seeping in from who knows where, I have begun to notice a trend in parenting that removes the parent's authority. Mothers of newborn babies are now told to 'let the baby lead'. The baby can decide when they will sleep (regardless of any sleep deprivation for the mother or the child) and when they will feed. The baby, in it's experienced wisdom, decides when they are ready for solid food, and which solid food in particular they are ready for. The baby decides how they will eat said food. Toddlers, naturally exploratative, are rightly encouraged to investigate their surroundings but are not reined in when necessary. The toddler, who still might not have decided that they are going to sleep at night, can make a choice about their food and drink. They can be in charge of their lives. Parents can just shrug their shoulders and smile at their little angel's cute antic.

Since when were children capable of making those decisions? How does a newborn know how to sleep unless it is trained? Of course, some perfect babies sleep from the beginning and it all seems to come naturally for them. For those that do not (and I include my 3 babies unfortunately in this category), they need to be trained. How does a toddler know which food will be good for him or her? How does a child learn to sit still and listen? How can we stop a toddler in the face of danger if they have not been taught to listen and obey their parents? (I understand this last one is a longer term process....)

I have noticed this bias weedling it's way into modern parenting, even since I have had my boys. I have noticed parents, unable or unwilling to control their toddler and pre-school children. I have met mothers with grey faces and exhausted eyes, having been told that when their baby is ready to sleep, he or she will. I have seen overweight children, because they only eat chips and 'chicken' nuggets. I have seen pre-school children unable to sit still and concentrate because they have never been taught to. I have seen older children bewildered at the choices presented to them and unable to make decisions. I have noticed a rise of conditions such as ADHD and ADD which, I know, are often genuine.

Of course, I am not advocating 'controlling' our children in a negative sense. I do not think parenting is a dictatorship. If you read any of my previous posts you will know how I love to see children set free to be themselves. However, 'letting the child lead' creates a relationship in which the parents do not have their God given authority any longer. Our job as parents is surely to teach and train our children. We are there to give them boundaries, which surely include the basic needs of sleep and food. When children have boundaries, they feel safe. Within those boundaries, they can then begin to be trained to make choices for themselves but ultimately, the parents are in charge.

I know we all make mistakes - I make them every day (today's was to give in to Jonah's request for more television...). I also know that no child fits the textbooks. Each child is different, but I sincerely believe that we were given our unique children so that we can train them in the way that is unique to them. Mums and Dads really do know best for their children, despite what the children like to think sometimes ("Yes, really, that broccolli is better for you than the sweeties"). Parents must be in charge, otherwise we are breeding a scarily powerful generation that does not recognise authority. The consequences of this? I shudder at the thought.