Consumed?

I try hard not to live with regrets.  I don't allow myself to regret, for example, the tough years of post-natal depression and the way I parented during that time.  I don't allow myself to wallow in the 'what ifs' of decisions we have made about where to live or jobs to take.

But I do sometimes wish things had been different.  I do sometimes live with sadness for the way some things have turned out.

I feel sad about the ones I love who are hurting.
I feel sad about the outcomes of choices made by those who are precious to me.
I feel sad when I see the consequences of those choices.
I feel sad when I realise that I can only control myself and I can't control others.
I feel sad when I read the news on my phone (thankfully I don't have to watch it on TV) and there is yet more violence, hatred and death.
I feel sad when my beautiful friend, living with the horrors of war, tells me stories that are almost too painful to hear and cause me to sob in the middle of Nandos.
I feel sad when I think about the lives of millions turning into ashes because of an evil system of slavery which causes fear at best and destroys at its worst.

Sometimes this sadness threatens to overwhelm.  I find it hard to focus on the boys playing in the sunshine.  I can't smile when they bring me picked daisies in a plastic cup of water. I linger just a little bit too long when they hug me and have tears in my eyes as they pull away.  I function on automatic because that's the only way to get through.

And then I remember this.

"My soul is downcast within me.
Yet this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope.

Because of the Lord's great love, we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning:
great is your faithfulness.
I say to myself, 'The Lord is my portion;
Therefore I will wait for him'."

(Lamentations 3:23)

So, I google what 'consumed' means and I find this:

consume

kənˈsjuːm/

verb

past tense: consumed; past participle: consumed

1. 1.

   eat, drink, or ingest (food or drink).

   "people consume a good deal of sugar in drinks"

   synonyms:

   eat, eat up, devour, ingest, swallow, gobble, gobble up, wolf down, gorge oneself on, feast on; More

   • (of a fire) completely destroy.

     "the fire spread rapidly, consuming many homes"

     synonyms:

     destroy, demolish, lay waste, wipe out, annihilate, devastate; More

   • use up (a resource).

     "this process consumes enormous amounts of energy"

     synonyms:

     use, use up, utilize, expend; More

2. 2.

   buy (goods or services).

   "accounting provides measures of the economic goods and services consumed"
3. 3.

   (of a feeling) completely fill the mind of (someone).

   "Carolyn was consumed with guilt"

   synonyms:

   absorb, preoccupy, engross; More

Origin

And I speak this truth to myself.

I am sad, but I am not devoured by sadness.

I feel sadness which threatens to overwhelm, but I am not completely destroyed by it.

My sadness does not 'altogether take up' my life.  It does not need to fill my mind totally.

I may feel 'spent' and 'used up' but God has promised to be my enough so it doesn't matter if I use up all my resources - His are utterly limitless.

When I begin to wallow, he whispers his I'm-not-going-to-let-you-down-promises into my ear and I begin to take tentative steps towards hope.

My heart might be hurting, but his compassions never stop loving, never stop feeling the hurts and never stop pouring out mercy.  

I am not consumed.

So instead of having my mind blown by the sadness, I choose to have it blown by the truth.  
A truth which sets me free, every single time.