As he left the house this morning with bright green sunglasses (despite the rain) to comments from his friends ('Max, you don't need sunglasses today.' 'I don't care, I like them'.) I smiled to myself and thought it might be helpful to write down some of the things I have learnt. I know I'm not alone in this and I there are many parents who know far more than me and who inspire me with the way they celebrate their child.
My boy does not have a diagnosis of adhd, autism, aspergers or anything else. I have questioned this so many times (especially after watching programmes about other children who seem to be so similar), and have even asked friends and teachers for their honest opinions countless times. I am more than happy for him to be diagnosed if it was necessary and he needed any extra support. But I have come to realise that Max is Max. He is not a label or a diagnosis. He is just different. And different is good.
So, in celebrating his uniqueness, these are some of the things I have had to embrace:
1. Being different is fabulous. How boring would it be if everyone saw the world from the same perspective? I notice the things that make Max different and (try to) find the positives. There are often lots.
2. Choose battles wisely. We often deal with Max in a way that other parents may not choose. This has meant that I have had to battle through my fears of other people's opinions of me as a mother. Some parents might not, for example, encourage their children to climb very high in trees or other equipment but I know that for Max this is the place he feels the safest. He needs to climb and he needs high spots to sit - they help him to be calm.
3. Teachers need educating. We have had some amazing, inspirational teachers and some who expect every child to fit inside their box. When you happen to have a child who doesn't even touch the box let alone sit inside it, you have some battles on your hands. Nobody else is going to fight for your child except you and sometimes schools need some coaching on how to handle children who can't sit at their desks writing and listening. I have had to overcome my fear of teachers (yes, honestly, I was!) and speak up for my boy. And mostly it has worked.
4. Allow off-the-scale creativity. I consider myself a pretty creative person but for every idea I generate, Max has one I had never even thought about. When he was little I encouraged him to play with toys by imagining different purposes for them. This meant a messy house and garden but oh so much fun. These days he often has unique solutions or insight into fixing problems.
5. Change expectations. For me, having an oldest son who ticks every conventional box possible, I found my expectations being challenged with Max. He's disorganised (although trying to improve on that one - this morning he even closed the front door behind him when he left for school), messy, loud, funny and extremely passionate. I had to wipe the expectation whiteboard clean and create new ones with Max. And, unsurprisingly, he exceeds them constantly.
6. Laugh with him. Oh how this boy makes us laugh! Sometimes his humour makes me cry too. And sometimes I have to tell him to stop joking. But we love laughing with him as he mimics Jim Carey or pulls a crazy face at just the right moment.
7. Affirm him. Being unconventional in a world where every child is expected to conform is not easy. One of the things we have had to learn to do is give Max courage to be himself. He has so much to offer the world around him but it's easy for him to be dragged down by the expectations of others. So we hug him lots, feed him lots (food is his love language) and tell him how fab we think he is.
8. Teach him that when he has to conform, he has to conform. There are some things in life that he just has to do. He has to wear a tie to school. He had to do sats. He has to help around the house. It's all very well allowing a child to be free, but they also need to learn obedience and respect for others. Some things have to be taught, and this is one of them.
9. Validate his passions. My Max is one passionate boy. It might be about the green olives he is about to consume or it might be about the kid who was being beaten up on the way home from school. Whatever is floating his boat at the time, rather than rail against it we have learnt to validate it. We let him be passionate and we teach him how to handle his very extreme emotions.
I know from talking to other parents how hard some of this is. I know that I haven't got it all sorted yet either. I fail as a mother all the time. But one thing I want to do is celebrate each child as a unique person. I want them to be the young men they were created to be and my role as a Mum is to encourage this at every turn. I will not squash my Max into a tight, harsh fitting box and expect him to squeeze in and be quiet. As his mum, I take the box from him and give him the freedom to be himself. It's my way of loving him.
1 comment:
I just found this when searching for articles about letting boys be boys. I have 2 boys that are "different," and we live with in-laws that refuse to believe they are different. This post was a big encouragement to me.
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