And so, the real stuff is this.
Sometimes I wish I hadn't prayed such big prayers and told God I'd do anything and go anywhere for him. Sometimes I wonder if He really will do what He's said He will do. Sometimes I wish we could just have normal jobs and a lifestyle like everyone else's and then I could happily fit into the world we live in without feeling like I'm sacrificing some part of myself in order to do so. Sometimes I wish I could be the one sitting inside the boat instead of stepping out of it. Sometimes I'm really scared.
But the deeper the water I tread on, the more I understand how much I need to rely on the One who really does promise to be with me. When I can't see any answers, and 'stuff' doesn't seem to be miraculously coming together, I can't just scurry back to the boat. I'm already half-way out. I can't turn back, but fear of sinking is far worse here than it was when I was a few steps away from the boat.
And so I remind myself of the promises of the One who called me out of the boat. I remember that even though I hold my breath because all I can see is a confused jumble of non-answers, I can still look into the eyes of the One and see His goodness and mercy chasing me and overtaking the fear. I can breathe out again because when anxiety pokes it's ugly hands out of the water and threatens to plunge me underneath, those hands are swatted away like an irritating fly by the Promise-Keeper.
The deeper I go, the more I need Him. The more I need Him, the more I thank Him.
"Though the fig-tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines,
Though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food,
Though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls,
Yet I will rejoice in The Lord,
I will be joyful in God, my Saviour.
The Sovereign Lord is my strength;
He makes my feet like the feet of a deer,
He enables me to go on the heights."
And that's the real stuff. That's what I really want to say.
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